A New Adventure

I predict a future with no names, just numbers

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I can see it now. To appease protesters — so they don’t feel threatened and unsafe — everything in the future will be named with numbers, similar to the numbers on our credit and debit cards.

This way none of the founding fathers will be honored and placed above anyone else. 

We cannot simply change their names to someone we revere now because no one knows how they will be seen in the future — 100 to 200 years from now. 

So I propose that we remove names altogether and replace them with a numbering system.

Here is where we should start.

There are 59 cities in the United States named after George Washington; five after Thomas Jefferson; 21 after Andrew Jackson and 41 cities and towns after non-president Benjamin Franklin (he owned two slaves). This does not include counties, the State of Washington or our capital

According to Wikipedia, there are 64 counties in the United States named after prominent Confederate historical figures. That would be next.

Following close behind for name removal are the ten U.S. Army installations named for Confederate soldiers.

But we can’t stop with states, counties, cities and army bases named for historical figures that the mob now deems inappropriate. 

We are going to have to rename all the high schools, elementary schools, universities and colleges with offensive names.

At the beginning of June 2020, at least 193 schools in 18 states were named for men with ties to the Confederacy. That doesn’t include the names after the founding fathers who owned slaves.

After the names of slave owners, we need to remove places named for adulterers. There is a town in New Jersey named after Franklin D. Roosevelt. He was an adulterer along with J.F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Bill Clinton and Donald Trump.

Of course, countless streets are named after people that offend at least one person.

More than 1,000 roadways worldwide honor Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. who reportedly spent the night before his assassination with a mistress.

The number one name on the mob’s hit list is perhaps Christopher Columbus for what he did to the Native American Indians.

Roughly 2.7 million Americans live in 54 counties, districts, cities, incorporated towns, boroughs, villages and census-designated places that glorify Christopher Columbus including Columbia University in New York. 

After the US is cleansed of this evil name we will need to be sure and boycott British Columbia Canada as well as the South American country that honors his name. 

I assume that we will also have to rid ourselves of last names. As an example, the 2000 U.S. Census counted 163,036 people with the surname Washington— 90 percent of them were African-American. But since Washington owned slaves that needs to be changed.

First names will have to go too. Since 1880 there have been over 263,992 boys given the first name Jackson. According to everything-birthday.com, there were 8,152 babies in the USA given this first name just last year.

Of course, the state of Washington is not the only state with an offending name. Add Oklahoma to the list. Its name is derived from the Choctaw words okla and humma, meaning “red people.” If the Washington Redskins name is offensive then Oklahoma is too. It’s just another word for Redskin. 

 All of these names will have to be stricken from the historical records. They should never be used again. I’m guessing that in the future Congress will pass a law outlawing these names.

There are countless towns, cities, counties, rivers and places named after Native American words and tribes. I’m sure they are offensive to someone.

In the future my address will be something like this:

Name: 01-7654-131265

Address: 816-4476

City: 1532

State: 24 (Missouri is the 24th state)

Zip: 65066

This would be easier. Those numbers would fit nicely on a bar code.

In case you haven’t figured it out I am showcasing absurdity by being absurd. 

The sign outside the First Baptist Church in Owensville says it all — “Pray for our nation.” 

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